Realizing what YOU need.

Throughout my life, I have always been a very caring and generous person. It wasn’t until recently that I have been negatively affected by that.

“wait, how can that affect you?”

Well, for a start, when you care for people (especially during a pandemic), you do it out of your energy. The receiver of your goodwill is in no way obligated to send you positive energy of feelings in return.

Personally, I love spreading joy and helping whenever I can, but this can become very problematic. When you start taking on the weight of other people’s burdens and problems, you are ultimately taking away your energy. Even just talking to people and being a good listener will affect your mental health. People are affectable; you may not know that you are being affected at the time, but all of the second-hand stress will get to you sooner or later.

It’s easy to feel uncared for when you are continually putting energy into other people and not yourself. I spent the last five months caring for so many different people because I was fine. I thought I was doing pretty well – yeah, there was a pandemic going on, but I was still able to figure out how to live my life through it. So, people would talk to me, and I would always make time for people and what they needed. On top of that, I was doing a lot of modelling, creating a foundation for Shakespeare’s Hunnies, training, choreographing, advocating for my education and started dabbling in some film work. But all of my spare time in the day, I would spend it with someone who needed help. I never filled it with me – what I needed to do.

Over time this had an awful effect on my mental health. Which makes sense, I didn’t make any time for my mental health because I was too worried about everyone else’s. So, I began resenting my peers because I realized that all of these people reached out for my help and no one barley helped me in return. No one stopped to ask how I was. It felt like I was doing all of this work for my peers, and I would barely get a response.

People surrounded me, but I felt alone.

I tried to figure it out, so I was mentally making lists and seeing what I was doing wrong:

What do you give?
– Kindness
– Advice
– Care
– Respect
– Attention

What do you receive?
– I don’t know
(The fact I didn’t know scared me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people were kind to me, but I don’t remember.)

I finally broke and had a meeting with a mentor of mine in early August, confessing how alone and unappreciated I feel, and they gave me such beautiful advice.

“you are a very giving and caring person; when you give something the majority of the time, it won’t be returned. It’s a sad reality you have to come to terms with. Also, because you’re a leader, you don’t ask for help, being able to be helped is an important skill to learn.”

That resonated with me. Hence my statement at the beginning.
” The receiver of your goodwill is in no way obligated to send you positive energy of feelings in return.”
I can’t change the fact that I’m a caring person, I love that about myself, and I have no desire to change that. But I can change the expectation I have for others. Growing up, I was always told, ” Treat others the way you want to be treated,” which is a good motto to have, but if it turns into the belief that “people will treat you the way you treat them,” you’ll only be disappointed.

What I am working on right now as an artist

– Making sure I make time for myself.
– Don’t assume people are going to treat me the way I treat them.
– Remember to ask for help.

The exploration of mental health (especially during this crazy time) is vital. Having an open conversation about strategies and conflicts in one’s mental state, I believe, is essential to share because the more you share, the more you might help others realize they are not so alone. I hope this blog was helpful, and I hope you are all doing well.

Thank you for reading today’s self-care chapter.